I’m Alive! … I think…

My excuses, in order of occurrence:
- Skills USA (there are stories to tell, many stories…)
- Momocon 2012 (because of Skills USA)
- Wisdom teeth extraction (related news: new dentist phobia firmly rooted, no pun intended)
- School
- Internship

As a small, piddling, unworthy tide-you-over, I give you… Little Cafei as the Decepticons’ computer AI!

… I know. Think of this and tremble.


“Hey, bro, did the new shipment ever show up? Mixmaster wants t’ know.”

“I dunno. Ask the computer.”

Rumble stopped midstep and stared at his sibling, optics wide. Frenzy frowned, glancing at the computer console, dark and dormant, and then looking toward his brother once more.

“Yeah, I know. She scares me, too.”

The Cassetticon twins spent another few tics looking from each other to the massive computer bank. Rumble finally drew himself to his full height and approached the console.

“Computer, status of supply shipment due from colony D5-87.”

The screen flickered briefly, and a feminine voice, sing-song in tone, came from the massive speakers. “Aw, Rumzy, I didn’t hear the magic word.”

Rumble clenched his jaw, muttered, “I fragging hate this computer,” and said more loudly, “Please?”

“Please, what?”

“Please, computer, status of supply shipment due from colony D5-87.”

“Are you talking to me? My name isn’t ‘computer,’ Rumzy.”

“Please, LC, status of supply shipment due from colony D5-87.”

“Hmmm.” The screen flicked through several displays, star charts, spreadsheets, supply logs, and finally settled on a shipment schedule. “Says here it was due yesterday, Rumzy.”

“Yeah, we know, but did it ever get here?”

“How should I know?”

“You’re the computer!”

“Technically, Rumzy, I’m the AI. I just exist in the computer.”

“… I hate you.”

Rumble turned and stalked out. As soon as the doors shut behind his sibling, Frenzy let out a garbled string of laughter, his engine stuttering and rumbling with the force of it. On the screen, a brown-eyed, brown-haired human inched onto the screen.

“Too easy,” said the AI, grinning maniacally.

“That – was – awesome.”

“I guess you’re not going to tell him that you’re the one who had to unload that shipment, then, huh, Fremble?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” The Cassetticon calmed his engine and gave the screen a thumbs-up. “I’ve got to get Swindle somethin’ special t’ thank him for nabbing you.”

“Funny, everyone else seems to have him on their hit-lists.”

“Nobody gets a good joke anymore.”



If you think LC deserves her own following, post ONE WORD you think describes her! :3 Let her feel the love!

To the Lady with Sixty Items or More,

The sign says ten items or less. The ten items or less checkout counter is located in the express checkout area. Ergo, two carts filled with cans of soup, packages of cookies, boxes of crackers, bundles of fruit, and otherwise enough groceries to see a family of twenty through an entire month is not meant for this lane.

Express checkout does not mean that, somehow, these cashiers are magically able to check out items at a higher speed than their brethren further down the row. In fact, one might conclude that the express lane cashiers may even be slower, seeing as how they are responsible for orders of ten items or less.

I can understand a flub of twelve items. Fifteen items, perhaps, if some of the items are duplicates. Two carts is not a flub. Two carts is you being an inconsiderate ass. Two carts is justification for the people behind you in line (i.e. me) to shove you into fast moving traffic and watch your purchases bounce away along the highway.

Believe me, I was tempted.

Sincerely,
The Angry Clerk

“Life, Y U So Expensive??”

(In regards to the title… okay, I admit it, I spend way too much time on My Little Brony. Moving on!)

My laptop has been acting screwy of late: random freezing, screen blanking out, several system restores, a start-up repair or two, etc. Add to that, she’s three years old, a toddler by human reckoning but an aged crone in the computer world (And Eve, baby, when I say aged crone, I mean it in the nicest, most loving kind of way, okay? It means you’re wise, like the Obi-Wan Kenobi of laptops. Don’t blow up, please?), and Nvidia, being the oh-so-accommodating folks that they are, are no longer producing drivers for her graphics card, making it impossible for her to run some of the photography software that I’m going to need… Anyway, the point is that I’ve bitten the bullet and purchased a new laptop.

Putting me even further into the Pit of Debt that is a college student’s life.

Add to that the $50/week I burn commuting to school, and I’ll need to dish out ~$150 on a portfolio this semester, plus my wisdom teeth will most likely be coming out in the next month or so…

I say all this to explain why I’ve been absent on here recently. I’m trying to work all the extra hours I can in addition to selling off some of my books/movies/trinkets for some extra cash (because no one pays for fanfiction, sadly enough). No worries, Schism is still ongoing, and A Pooka Problem will be back on track next Monday. There will be a new Letter to the World this afternoon, too.

So, I’m plugging away.

(I’m still doing Chibi Art Commissions, too, if anyone is interested. Every little bit helps!)

Novel writing update: Now on the first draft. Have written approx. 2000 words in past five days. Nanowrimo motivation is sadly lacking.

Fanfiction Update

Two chapters tonight, folks, so I’ll forgo the drabble. Updates should get back on track now that things are settling down around here.

Transformers: Schism (Transformers)
Interlude: Hunch:
You ever get one of those weird, nagging feelings…?
Fire:Too close for comfort.

In completely unrelated news, the rough draft of ‘Joleia’ is complete! Cue the trumpets and confetti and whatnot! Now on to the first draft!

To the Old Men,

Stop. Asking. Me. Out.

I am twenty-four years old. You own socks that are older than I am. I don’t care how charming or, god help me, ‘sexy’ you think you are, calling me ‘beautiful’ and asking when my break is will never be anything but spine-chillingly creepy on an Olympic level.

Why is the fact that I’m polite and good at making small-talk always automatically translate into “Take me now, you sexy beast!”? I’m in retail! I’m paid to be nice. Just because I sound happy that you’ve graced my store with your presence does not mean that I spend my days pining for your presence.

People wonder why retail clerks are rude? This is why. This is the exact reason why. It’s a defense mechanism from years of getting our asses pinched by creepy old perverts that thing they’re the new Hugh Jackman.

When I complained to my manager, he informed me that it was perhaps a confusing concept. Perhaps you just don’t realize how inappropriate the situation is. Perhaps you truly mean well. For your enlightenment, here are some guidelines.

If the clerk you are addressing is young enough to be your daughter, the answer is no.

If the clerk looks suspiciously like someone you once saw in school with your grand-daughter, the answer is a resounding “Oh, hell no.”

You smell like Aspercreme. Get away.

Sincerely,
The Very-Much-Not-Interested Clerk

Delayed Update – Consolation Prize

No chapter this week. My father had minor surgery done on his mouth, and I’ve been drafted as a kind of amateur, live-in nurse. To add to the fun, my mother decided that tonight was a good night for us to babysit my year-old niece, so… kinda’ crazy right now. @_@;

I’ll make certain next week’s chapter is extra-long to make it up to you.

As a crappy sort of consolation prize, here’s a bit from one of my original stories:

=====

The last thing Andrea saw was the pair of car headlights bearing down upon her. The world shattered, the impact like a thunderclap from within her own body, and she found herself within a strange, dim room, watching a man read a newspaper by firelight.

Am I dead? she thought.

She was there, and yet she was not there. She had no feet or hands or eyes, yet she could see her surroundings. There was no sensation of gravity. She could move – or rather, she could change her perspective, but there was no feeling of movement or physical effort at all on her part.

Where is this?

The room was small, with only the barest excuse for a window, smeared and streaked with dirt. Bookshelves lined every available wall, crammed to the point of collapse with books and papers and boxes. A well-preserved rolltop desk sat opposite the small lit fireplace, and a much-abused armchair and side table occupied the space between.

The man sat sideways in the chair, legs dangling over the arm. His face was thin and angular, his nose sporting a pair of silver-rimmed reading glasses, but the light of the fire changed his eyes to a tawny brown, making it hard to guess their true color. His hair, long and wheat-blond, dangled over the opposite arm of the chair, tied back so securely that not the first flyaway strand could be seen. Andrea thought of her own hair, curly and unruly, and wondered how many hours with a straight-iron it would take to make hers that obedient.

Probably an entire week. Or more.

The man gave vent to a harsh sigh, snapping the paper closed and tossing it over the back of the chair. It joined a pile of similar discarded papers, all in various stages of shabbiness.

“If you’re going to haunt my sitting room, would it be too much trouble that you not stare?” The man swiveled and sat up properly, peering toward her with a vaguely put-upon expression. “Not to offend, but it’s taken me weeks to get rid of the last ‘geist that wanted to set up camp here, and I would be most appreciative to not repeat the ordeal so soon.”

He sees me?

“ ‘See’ is not the word to use. Sense, yes. Now, would you mind leaving? Dispersing? Whatever it is that you do when you go somewhere else.”

Definitely not in heaven. Purgatory, maybe.

“… you’re not seeking closure, are you?” The man sounded plaintive at that, a pained look crossing his face. “Because that’s really not my area. There’s a lovely medium just down the lane, though, quite good at her job. She can get you in contact with whoever you’re looking for. Of course, she’ll want payment. I don’t suppose you left an inheritance?”

Andrea thought of the several thousand dollars’ worth of college loans steadily leeching away at her bank account and felt bitterly amused.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no.’ Look here, I’m quite serious. It took a good half month’s rent to set up a proper exorcism for the last of your kind, and my landlady has it out for me as it is without me losing the other half of the rent money. One would think she’d take the exorcism as part of the rent, proper upkeep of the rooms and whatnot, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Nearly had a fit, to tell you the truth.”

He scrubbed his hands over his face, briefly displacing the spectacles from their perch atop his nose, and he sighed.

“Fine, then. What do you want? I have no desire for a roommate, I can tell you.”

Speaking was problematic, what with a lack of a body and all its acoutrements – such as vocal cords – but that hadn’t stopped the man from hearing her.

What happened? She tried to visualize herself speaking, and for a brief moment, she felt as though she were halfway there, arms, legs, and all, but it faded as quickly as it came.

“My dear spook, it’s called death. And you are obviously having a difficult time dealing with it. Closure, closure, it’s all about closure. Now, what would that mean for you?”

I am not dead.

“Denial.” He sighed. “Of course. What’s the last thing you remember? Nothing happy, I would wager. Falling from a horse? Being held at knifepoint? Or gunpoint, whichever your preference.”

Preference!? Who has a preference over knives or guns?

“I do. Knife. I’m no slouch at hand-to-hand, and there’s always a chance for disarming one’s opponent at close quarters with less risk of injury. I’ve never liked guns.”

You’re nuts.

You are incorporeal. Which is a bigger problem?”

He grinned up at her, smug as a cat, and she wanted to slap him, straight across the mouth, as hard as she could.

She landed on the floor with a thump that shook the furniture and knocked a glass jar off a nearby shelf.

“Ow!”

Her tailbone sang with pain, and she curled in upon herself, hands clenched into fists.

It hit then that she had hands to clench into fists, and she blinked down at the appendages as though they belonged to a stranger. She looked up.

The man stared down at her, grin gone, glasses sliding down to the very tip of his nose. His golden eyes were wide.

“Well,” he said, “that’s new.”

It was too strange. Her head ached as though a giant hand were squeezing at her temples, and the fire-bright room dimmed to gray and then to nothingness.

A Pooka Problem: Part VII

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V
Part VI

The Pooka grunted as the girth strap was cinched tight, and he snarled, baring his teeth, when the blond human kicked him in the belly – as though the Pooka were some stupid common horse to use tricks like holding his breath to keep the saddle from being properly tightened!

But the Melkoff human had a hold of the reins, holding his head firmly forward, and damn the mavin that had bespelled the bridle in the first place. Obedience spells covered the thing like seed ticks on a wild pig, cold enough to burn and itching incessantly. He turned his glare back to Melkoff, his ears pinned back against his head, but Melkoff smiled.

“You know what this is, don’t you?” The human flicked one wrist, allowing the length of the horsewhip to coil across the ground in a serpentine curve. The Pooka’s eyes followed it with trepidation. “Yes,” murmured the man, “that’s what I thought.”

The blond man finished with the saddle, giving it one last shake to double-check its soundness, and then he scrambled back to his own mount with alacrity, climbing the corral fence with speed that a squirrel would envy. The Pooka listened to him go with half an ear, his attention still caught on the whip.

Even at this distance, he could feel the prickling cold of the black iron barbs at its tip.

He thought of ancient days, when humans feared him as a god and left offerings outside their doors to placate him. He thought of crops blighted with sickness after a less-than-perfect offering was given, of animals driven mad when he sensed wards against him set upon a property, of men  trampled beneath his hooves for daring attempt to capture him.

So long ago.

The witcher-woman’s voice came faintly from further down the street, speaking to the wine-seller – she was a fair distance away, but her strident tones cut through the early morning quiet like an Arbiter’s blade.

“—out of your mind, you can’t sell him—”

“Already done, woman, damn it. Get on—”

“—whip him, Carnas, did you see—”

“Go home!”

“You’re going to get us all killed!”

The town was beginning to rouse, more noises joining the chorus of faint birdsong – people moving about in buildings, the distant murmur of voices, the squeak of water pumps being primed. It was so sickeningly domestic.

The handle of the whip was abruptly pressed hard against his snout, and he reared back, checked by the grip Melkoff had on the reins.

“Not paying attention, I see,” murmured the man. “I can fix that.”

The whip rustled across the dirt again. With the barest flick of his wrist, the man sent it coiling in a lazy arch to lick against the Pooka’s legs, and he shied away from the cold bite of the iron with a grunt.

“I know you can understand me,” said Melkoff. “Poor little godling. Here’s the way it’s going to be, aye? I’m going to ride you, and you’re going to obey everything I say, and perhaps if you’re really, really well-behaved, we’ll remove that saddle in a year or two. Pact?”

The Pooka growled, baring his teeth and wishing desperately that the man might lose his grip on the reins for a moment and allow him even that small opening to bite or kick.

But Melkoff merely smiled, keeping his hold upon the reins as he walked to one side and, in one easy motion, pulled himself into the saddle.

The weight upon his back was wrong, wrong, wrong, and the man yanked upon the reins, pulling his head forcefully sideways. The prick of spurs along his sides was too much, and he squealed and thrashed, snapping at air. The man goaded him again, and commanded “Forward” and the compulsion came flickering through the saddle and bridle, spells eating into his flesh like living puppet strings burrowing in and taking hold.

He moved forward.

“Very good,” murmured Melkoff. “Very good indeed.”

To Be Continued…

Fanfiction Update

It’s update time! Just one chapter tonight, folks.

Transformers: Schism (Transformers)
Plan:
It’s a bad plan. It’s a very bad plan. Too bad it’s the only plan she has.

BONUS DRABBLE:

Transformers: Schism
Things Change (featuring Evelyn’s sister, Elizabeth)

The three adults clustered beneath the ancient oak tree, peering up into the branches at the smudge of pink wedged high in a crook between branch and trunk. Two children squabbled off to one side.

“S’all your fault anyway!”

“Is not! It’s my ball, and I was playin’ with it!”

“Should’ve shared!”

“It’s my ball!”

“Well, now it’s your ball in a tree! Have fun!”

Elizabeth glowered at her children, snapping a firm, “Hush, you two. Zack, you’d no right to take Jessie’s toy. No TV for you tonight, understand?”

There came the standard “But mo-o-o-om…!” but it tapered off quickly when she cranked the glare up a notch.

She had thought that the brief warm spell of weather would be a godsend, an opportunity to send the kids outside to work off extra energy before she resorted to duct-taping them to the garage wall for some peace and quiet. So much for that.

“I think the ladder will reach,” Robert said, squinting up at the stranded ball. “Maybe.”

“Ought to leave the darn thing up there,” said Elizabeth. “We’d have to shift half the stuff in the shed to get the ladder out anyway.”

“I don’t think you need a ladder, really,” said Evelyn, and Robert and Elizabeth turned to her with identical expressions of disbelief.

Elizabeth’s sister had stopped by to drop of some DVDs she had borrowed – an odd assortment: Close Encounters of the Third Kind, E.T., K-Pax, and The Fast and the Furious – just in time to hear Jessica’s enraged shriek echoing through the backyard. She now stood beneath the tree with a contemplative expression, looking from the picnic table in the tree’s shadow and up to the ball and back again.

“Are you crazy?” said Elizabeth.

Evelyn laughed. “Yep,” she said. “Stark raving bonkers. Here.”

And she shucked out of the knee-length sweater coat she wore over her blouse and jeans, passing it to Robert. In a surprisingly graceful motion, she climbed onto the picnic table and reached for the lowest branch, close to the trunk where it was thickest.

“Evy? What are you—Evelyn Meredith Hughes, you get down from there right no—”

First, all that Elizabeth could think was, If I catch Zack and Jess trying this later, I’m going to skin her alive.

But then she clamped her mouth shut, eyes wide, because Evelyn was climbing as though she had spent a previous life or two as a chimpanzee, balancing on one branch and reaching for the next, getting a solid grip and hauling herself up in a quick, efficient motion. Branches rattled with her movements, and Elizabeth covered her mouth with one hand, thinking, Don’t fall. Don’t fall. Oh, God, please, don’t fall…

It was mere moments before there came a call of “Heads up!” and a pink ball came sailing back to earth. Zack and Jessie, who had watched with awe equal to that of their parents, shrieked in delight and rocketed after it, each eager to be the first to claim it.

Evelyn returned to the ground with the same efficient motions. She dropped the last distance to the ground and flopped to a seated position, red-faced and panting but grinning from ear to ear.

Elizabeth stared. Robert, seemingly at a loss, handed the sweater back, glanced around, and strode back to the house.

“Who are you,” demanded Elizabeth, “and what have you done with my sister?”

Evelyn laughed. “What?”

“You. You’re terrified of heights!”

“Am not.”

“Oh, please! You used to get nauseous going up the escalator in the mall.”

Evelyn smiled, a strangely sad expression, and merely said, “Things change, Lizzie.” Then she arched one eyebrow, mouth quirking into a more genuine grin, and added, “You’re welcome, by the way.”

Delayed Update – Consolation Snippet

Due to that capricious creature known as Real Life, the next chapter of Schism will not be posted until tomorrow night. It’s a horrible tragedy, but we’ll all just have to endure.

To tide you over, here you may find an alternate prologue to Schism (now considered AU, mostly because Schism started in the dead of winter and not mid-summer):

===

“Well. Well, well, well.”

Evelyn could not help the heat of a blush that rose in her cheeks as her mother’s eyes swept over her from head to toe.

“Going to meet someone?” asked Maria Hughes at last, one eyebrow quirked curiously, and Evelyn laughed.

“Er, kind of.” The mascara on her eyelashes was an unfamiliar weight, and she resisted the urge to rub at it; twenty minutes of carefully applying mascara and eyeliner and eyeshadow and all the other tools of the makeup trade were not going to be wasted through a fit of the fidgets. She grasped the calf-length skirt of the sundress in her hands and performed an inexpert runway twirl for her mother’s perusal. Her sandals, straight out of the box, squeaked the squeak of new leather at the action. “What do you think?”

“I think that I want to know when I get to meet your new beau,” replied the older woman.

“Not beau, mama. Friends. A lunch-date with friends.” She pecked her mother lightly on one age-soft cheek as she passed by her on her way toward the porch. “Which I’m going to be late for if I don’t hurry.”

“Be careful, for goodness’ sake,” Maria called after her. “Especially driving around in that machine.”

‘That machine’, as Maria referred to it, was a silver-gray Datsun Fairlady Z which had usurped the Hughes’ pickup truck’s honored place within the barn-turned-garage. Her parents had not really understood Evelyn’s insistence that a car so far out of date –impeccable condition aside– be given a sheltered parking spot when Maria’s Honda lived a perfectly comfortable life on the gravel driveway, but Evelyn had pleaded and cajoled, stating that the car was on loan from a friend, and her father had reassigned his truck to a spot on the driveway beside the Honda.

‘That machine’ was also a robotic alien organism who went by the name Bluestreak… but Maria did not need to know that part.

Evelyn’s footsteps echoed within the shadowy confines of the barn, the sound overlaid by the ringing in her ears that had become an accepted part of her life over a year before. The source of the ringing was a huge, shadowy mass that gleamed faintly in the sunlight filtering in from the outside, and Evelyn patted the car lightly on the canopy as she walked around to the driver’s side.

Without any outside assistance, the engine turned over with a rumble that, to Evelyn’s ears, sounded vaguely sleepy.

“Good morning, Blue.”

The actual sounds that emerged from her mouth were more along the lines of buzzes, hisses, clicks, and the occasional whistle than simple English, but she knew what she was saying, and so did the car.

“Oh. Um, good morning,” replied the Datsun in kind, and the engine let out a longer rev as the gray body shifted on its tires like a cat waking from a nap. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to recharge so late, but Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were on the comm most of the night during patrol, sending image captures, and it was just so interesting to see all the strange things on your planet…”

“As long as they didn’t hit a deer,” said Evelyn, tapping her knuckle lightly on the driver’s side door and then sliding inside when said door popped open for her obligingly.

“Deer?”

“Google it,” she replied (one of her new standard answers for strange questions). Then, feeling vaguely guilty about the abrupt answer, she added, “A four-legged animal. Bigger than a dog, smaller than a cow. Try looking up ‘white-tailed deer’.”

There was a moment of silence broken only by the throb of the car’s engine as it backed carefully out of the barn, tires crunching over gravel, then reversed direction and rolled down the driveway toward the road. Evelyn propped her hands on the wheel for appearance’s sake, waving a quick goodbye to her mother who still stood watchfully upon the porch.

“Oh,” said the car at last. “No, I don’t think Sunstreaker would like running into one of those at all.”

Evelyn chuckled as they pulled out onto the road, the Datsun’s engine thrumming as it accelerated with swift ease to rocket down the curvy country road. “To be fair, I doubt the deer would like it much either.”

===

Until tomorrow, folks!

To the People Who Live in the Left Lane,

Multi-lane roads are wonderful things. In order to allow the speed-demons to go on their merry ways and the slug-a-bugs to putter along at their chosen speeds, the lanes allow for faster traffic to pass the slower traffic and keep all the motorists happy on their journeys.

Except for you morons.

There must be some bizarre, magnetic attraction to the passing lane. Perhaps its psychosomatic – it makes you feel as though you are going faster than you really are. Or perhaps the grass really is greener on the other side of the road. My personal theory is that you think you are saving yourself all that horrific effort of changing lanes because, eventually, you know you will come upon someone going slower than you and you’ll have to get in the passing lane anyway.

However.

When you find yourself riding alongside a motorist going the same speed as you, and moreover, you have another motorist coming up behind you, clearly going faster than you are, there are two very key instruments in your car that you should be aware of and willing to use.

1) The Gas Pedal – This nifty device controls the flow of fuel into your engine. It allows you to go faster. Pressing down harder will enable you to pass the car beside you so that you may change to the slower, right-hand lane to allow the motorist behind you to pass.

2) The Brake Pedal – Similar to the gas pedal, the brake pedal controls the mechanism that presses the brake pads against the rotors, thereby using an intriguing scientific concept known as friction to slow your vehicle and allow you to merge into the right lane behind the car beside you, also allowing the motorist behind you to pass.

Please, for your safety, learn from this.  I don’t want to see you in the ditch some rainy morning as you sit awaiting the ambulance, car a crumpled, smoking heap, because I finally gave in to my road rage and ran your ass off the highway.

Drive safely,
The Angry Clerk Who (believe it or not) Actually Remembers Drivers Ed